The Journey to Commission
I say that I ‘think’ I was – because in order to truly be in love with someone else, you have to also be in love with yourself.
Nonetheless, there were butterfly feelings and moments of giddiness, and there was even a spark in my eye. I remember the feelings of being in a crowd and no one else mattered. I remember how we made even the smallest things into the most exciting adventures. I was sure that I had wanted to spend the rest of my life with that person.
It didn’t end on the best terms, and for a long time afterwards I only associated that relationship with the heartache it brought… but now as I look back, I mainly remember the good times, and can’t help but smile and be thankful.
I’m also thankful that it’s over.
No doubt I did love the person, and a part of me always will. But, knowing what I know about myself now – I’m not sure if it was ME that was actually in love. I think I was in love with the feeling like this relationship finally made me feel ‘defined’.
Defined by someone else.
At that point of my life, I had no idea that definition comes from within. Within?! What the hell does that mean?!
I knew that he brought out a lot of good qualities in me – and he made me feel great about myself. But, I can’t say that I was myself around him – because at the time, I really didn’t know who ‘myself’ was. For the most part, I was ignorant to the lack of happiness that was on the inside. I was blinded by the notion that since someone else made me feel happy, this MUST be ‘happiness’, therefore “I” must be happy too.
I wasn’t that young… in my mid twenties – and although I did have more life experience than the average person my age, I was still floundering through life trying to come up with a ‘place’ for myself. There was a point with him that I believed that I had found that ‘place’ and I had stopped challenging myself. I now had someone to love me – what more did I need? He always would – and that’s all that matters, right?!
It took me well over a year to let it all go. Maybe even two. I remember listening to Selena Ryder’s song ‘Weak in the Knees’ on repeat for days – even months on end. (Have a listen – it’s a great song!) I remember hanging on to all the momentos, even trying to be around the same mutual friends we shared – in a plea of desperation to hang on to even a morsel of that ‘happiness’. More than once, I even toyed with the idea of trying to go for a second chance.
I’m not really sure at what point in time the whole ‘journey’ started – maybe it was on a dateless night reading one too many psychology books – but I do remember it hitting me like a ton of bricks.
I remember that ‘AHA’ moment. The day that I decided to let it go.
I actually remember singing in my car that day. I sing (awfully) in my car all the time – but something was different was about that time. It was full of energy, like all the thoughts I had were escaping through my mouth. And it WASN’T to Selena Ryder.
The day that I realized I was FREE.
I know that I bounced back and forth a few times and I had moments feeling like I really didn’t know if what I was feeling was right. In a way I felt guilty that I was letting it go – but I also realized that I was giving far too much attention to yesterday, and not the moment I was in.
My only way to move forward, was to… well, move forward.
I know that relationships are meant for two people to grow together. But I also think that it happens when growth comes from within, first. In our case, neither one of us experienced either.
What happens if who we are is based off the ideals of someone else?
How can we depend on others for happiness if we can’t first depend on ourselves?
If we don’t know who we are, who do we become when we are left with ourselves?
These are questions I spent the last few years answering. Undoubtedly, single life has been A LOT longer than I would have anticipated – or have really wanted. Life is short admittedly, there are times I wish I had someone to share things with. Someone to share my goals with, someone to take spontaneous road trips with, or someone just to sit in silence with. I definitely need someone to go skydiving with – because it is a goal… one that I’m much to chicken shit to do myself. But, at the same time – hanging out with myself has been quite the adventure in its own right.
My life is far from perfect – and I’m still learning a ton of lessons the hard way and I’m always getting to know myself. The only difference now – is that I know how to live WITH myself.
Now that I’ve got that covered – there’s a much better chance that I can live with someone else, too.
No longer am I looking for ‘definition’ – but rather ‘commission’… a little something extra on top of I already have.