April 18

… And Breathe.

brain

brainPrepare for brutal honestly.

I tend to write only positive and uplifting moments… moments that can inspire magic and hope into others – even if it is only my average readership of one person (thanks, Mom). But if I always did that, I would not be including the remaining fibers of my soul. I would only be showing one fragment of my being, and given that I wear my heart on my sleeve, I find it damn near impossible to hide the rest of me.

That’s not to say I don’t have anything uplifting to say, but today I’m just not in the mood. Maybe it’s the weather.

F#ck it. Today I write my feelings, as they are, in the present moment.

It’s my therapy.

Lately, the amount of days I have felt empty and alone and lost and anxious have outnumbered the days of feeling intrinsically happy and calm. It’s a piss off really, because I WAS there, and I have always been the purveyor of self fulfillment and wholeness – the importance of going on your own epic self journey – and yet here I am, trying to chew on my own words.

Maybe I’ve been looking at too many ‘throw back thursday’ photos and wondering how I went from hob-knobbing with the semi rich and famous, doing really cool shit (as defined by my ego), travelling, donning some low cut, sexified tank top – to sitting alone on a Friday night, in my Walmart-special hoodie donning a salsa stain on it, and on the brink of joining a nunnery. If I ever do end up on a hot date in this life time, I may need an instruction manual.

Anyway, that’s not the point. I get that my interests have shifted as I get older more mature. Actually, I don’t even know what my point is.  Blah.

After all the searching and inner workings – I find myself not knowing where the hell I am. But then again, where did I expect to go? I have no clue. I suppose I figured after going on sabbatical from being stuck inside some little box the majority of society views as ‘normal life’, I’d at least have somewhat of an idea as to what the heck I am doing or what path to take. Perhaps I even went as far as to think I might also have a morsel of romance after I learned to find it within my self, first.

I don’t.

None. Nada. Zero. Zilch. F#ck all.

It’s like every time I think I have found myself, I get lost again. And again. Or maybe I’m just beginning. Maybe I have not yet learned to love myself in the first place. I don’t know.

Untitled

I also have a problem. It’s called self sabotage. It gets me every time. I am an expert on self destruction. Very rarely can I hold on to a good though long enough to let it play out. Instead, I kill it with impatience and a lot of ‘this-is-never-going-to-work-i’m-a-failure-my-life-is-OVER’ kind of thing. I have a solid habit of thinking of the worst possible scenarios in just about, well… everything. Some – if not most – days, it puts me into a total head spin. 

I’m starting to feel bogged down by those thoughts.

But I feel like lately that’s all I know.

My brain needs a bath.

I want to wash myself clean, scrub my negative patterns away until I bleed. Find a way to stop fearing the unforeseen and inch closer to my dreams.

But I feel like I’ve done that – over and over and over again.  It’s not about the destination, it’s about the journey – I get that.

Good grief, I really need to stop saying the word ‘but’.

I guess I’m just frustrated, and I needed it to let it out.

Maybe I’m closer than I think.  

Exhale… here we go again..

yourself

 

 

 


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Posted April 18 by miss_t in category "In Real Life", "Life", "Life Lessons", "Thoughts", "Uncategorized

About the Author

Hi. I'm Tanis. Most people refer to me as "T". I am a writer. I tell real life stories with a spiritual and sarcastic twist. I guarantee to either make you laugh, make you think, or put you to sleep. I like wine, art, laughter, travel and words. Authenticity is my aim. Proper punctuation is not.

7 COMMENTS :

  1. By cenobyte on

    I’ve been feeling this all goddamned year. I don’t know what the fuck it is.

    Just know you’re not alone.

    Reply
    1. By miss_t (Post author) on

      It’s the relentless pursuit of something more…

      Reply
  2. By kelly salmon on

    Tanis, all I want to do is fly to Ireland or italy or somewhere and just travel. Never worry about my mortgage, job pension, family…anything. I am burnt, done seemingly unable to go or not sure where to go. Yet I have done and am doing so much..why am I not satisfied. I am trapped in a world that I am happy to live in. I am so confused …I am positive, happy, doing all I want…it just seems not to be enough..I cant figure out how to get more. I desperately need more..but I’m not sure what that more is……It is a crazy world to me. I can identify with your thoughts in your column..maybe..I am not sure..did I confuse you with this note? Let me know..cheers, Kelly

    Reply
    1. By miss_t (Post author) on

      I completely understand Kelly! I think maybe it’s normal to not be satisfied… once you are totally satisfied you lose the driving force to keep you searching for more… what fun is being perfectly content? But the search does get tiring…

      Reply
  3. By Dave on

    1. I admire your capacity for risk, internet wonder lady.

    2. Sometimes I wonder why things aren’t more exciting. But I realize that day-in day-out is its own battle, and I have to be the exciting one. And I almost always get what I give.

    Reply
    1. By miss_t (Post author) on

      Thanks Dave.. I hope that you get a lot of good coming back to you.. because that is what I’ve known you to give!

      Reply
  4. By ralf chlipalski on

    The only point to life is interesting conversation. You do things to get it and look for those that have it and when you find it, it’s joy.

    Reply

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