August 16

The Blog Post Without a Title.

I’ve had a few people ask me why I haven’t been doing much blogging lately. Truth is, I haven’t had anything to write about.

Okay, that’s not true, I always have something to write about – and actually, I have SO MUCH to write about, but how to possibly put it into words in a way most would understand is the challenge… which I touched on in my last post. For that reason, I’ve started writing a book… but the story is on going so I don’t really know what the ‘ending’ is quite yet.

I could tell you all about enlightenment, manifesting what you want in life, spiritual things, chakras, synchronicity, living ego-free,  and so on. The list goes on… and on… and on.

Wait, a minute. Ego-free?

A year ago, I was writing about dating disasters, douchebags, and dudes that can’t spell. My hobby was criticizing others… people that I don’t even know. And the more people that read and laughed, the better I felt. If that’s not purely egotistical, I don’t know what is. I think a year ago, the only thing occupying my mind WAS my ego.

So… now what?

I don’t know… as soon as I figure out a clever way to write with my current frame of mind, I’ll let you know. I’m drawing a blank… so much so that I didn’t even have a title for this post.

Advice = welcome.

I’d like to figure it out before my place starts looking something like this… it’s getting close:

 

 

July 20

Waking Up and Breaking Up

I’m not going to lie, I’ve been feeling rather disconnected lately… which has ultimately led to my lack of verbal-digital-diarrhea.

While the past few years I’ve went through a number of growing pains in getting to know myself, the last few months have been even more intense… in a good way.

I’m not one that usually gets stuck for words… but it’s rather hard to put into words in a way that the vast majority of the population would understand, so for that reason I’ve kept a lot of things to myself… at least until I publish my book… (so far I have the page numbers started!!)

I guess to best describe it all – would be summed up as a ‘spiritual awakening’.

Stay with me here…

‘Spiritual’, however, should never be confused with the term ‘religious’… I will be the first to proclaim my distaste for what is nothing more than a corrupt, money grubbing, brainwashing organization.

Anyway…

That being said, I seem to have found myself living in a higher state of consciousness.

Huh?! Me?!

I know, right? <Insert wtf here>

Those that do know what that means will understand perfectly.

I’ve always had an acute level of awareness and intuition, though in the past while it’s been intensified. There’s a number of people and events that led me to where my mind resides now – but trying to explain those in anything less writing a novel or three would be impossible. Much of it started when I started seeing the numbers ’11:11′ popping up more often than what could be considered coincidental… which ultimately captured my attention.  However, that is a story all in itself.

Regardless…

So much of what I know about myself has changed to the degree that when I look back at some of the earlier posts when I first began this blog – I don’t even recognize the person who wrote them.

I’ve thought about removing this blog completely – as the person that began writing about dating disasters is not the same as the person that writes this… perhaps only in a physical sense… but then again going back and reading lets me  witness my own growth.

It’s ironic… when I started writing this blog, it was entirely based off the ‘ego’ as well as my past.

The best way I can describe a ‘spiritual awakening’ would be as the dissolving of the ego… or at least putting it to sleep. We all need a little bit of ‘ego’ to get by in a tough world. However, there is the letting go of fear, stress and toxic feelings like jealousy or anger. Letting go of your past. One becomes more connected to nature and energy and learns the ability to manifest their thoughts into physical form. (I have had some pretty astounding experiences with this… to the point where some might consider ‘unbelievable’… also saving for the book!)

A spiritual awakening brings about a state of ‘zen’… and who doesn’t like zen?! Especially when you can achieve it legally!

One begins to understand synchronicities and the adopts the knowingness that every single thing is connected.  One also loses the ability to pass judgement on others… which is why I find reading some of my earlier posts rather unsettling. Let’s face it, my entire collection of writing was based off judging others… something that I don’t have the ability to do anymore.

Those that have been through an ‘awakening’ will understand all of this, and those that don’t… it’s an amazing feeling and I hope you get to experience it.

That’s where the feeling of disconnection comes into play. At least for me. I haven’t watched television in months, there’s not much interest there for me, and I find very little value in it (unless of course, there’s a football game on). Then we have Social Media… I love social media and the ability to network and connect with others… however, I browse around and the vast majority of it is full of meaningless garbage and people who spend 90% of their time talking about other people or complaining about something.

I find it draining.

It’s disheartening to think about how conditioned we are  to pay attention to everyone else, and that many of us use it as ‘entertainment’.  We pay attention to others problems and faults rather than our own. We turn to others ‘drama’ to step away from our own deep rooted issues. And once we’ve done that… we don’t hold back on making judgments on others based off no real knowledge of the person… and for some reason it makes us feel better(I’ve been a huge culprit of this in the past). Of course not everyone does this, but I can certainly think of a few off the top of my head.

I’ll insert my own ‘wtf’ here. Because seriously, that’s just messed up.

And furthermore, our egos are more concerned with how everyone else thinks or feels about us rather that who we are at the core. We are concerned with ‘things’… material things, trivial things… all the kinds of things that in the grand scheme of ‘things’ don’t really matter.

Humans are the only animals on the planet that seek happiness with ‘things’. But true happiness works from the inside out… not outwardly in.

The universe is infinite, intelligent, and there is so much more to life than living behind the shadow of an ego. There is more than most of us will ever understand.

All ‘dating disasters’ aside, I’m probably the happiest I’ve ever been since kicking my ego to the curb.

What a jerk that guy was.

 

June 10

Say Good Bye to the Yo-Yo

Part of being single for an extended period of time is the journey through self awareness and the analysis of the self that comes along with it. Some people do not focus on this, some do, and some go through a period of complete enlightenment.

I’ve always had a pretty good awareness of my own self – because really, I’ve hung out with that person a lot over the last few years.

It wasn’t so long ago, however, that despite my best efforts – I was uncomfortable with my physical self. I have always had battles with weight my entire life, yoyo-ing back and forth between the ‘skinny pants’ and the ‘fat pants’ .  I’ve never been excessively ‘large’, but I’ve also never been that super skinny chick at the beach, either. I don’t really want to be.

There was a point last year, however, where I found myself hitting an all time low (kind of an oxymoron I guess… more like an all time high)… and even my ‘fat pants’ didn’t fit. I had tipped the scale at 200lbs.. hitting a size 12-14 – which wasn’t much, but for me, my frame, height, and my own personal self – it was downright uncomfortable.

The number on the scale though is besides the point. I was not the best I could be and I wasn’t fully happy with myself. I was only happy ‘enough’. And what’s the fun in happy enough – when there can be more?

Someone once told me, that before you can begin to make changes you need to positively accept that which you currently have.

So I did.

I sat naked in front of the mirror and stared into my own eyes day after day until I could come to a place of acceptance. That being said, there is a difference between acceptance and being content. Contentment keeps you in the same place.

I had been so consumed with my outside surroundings and ‘things’ that we perceive as ‘home’ that I had forgotten about my real home. My own body.

When you really pay attention to it, it’s a pretty amazing thing. I decided that I would stop focusing on what I didn’t have in a negative fashion, and improve on what I did.

Dad’s legs? No problem. At least I have legs. If I didn’t, the treadmill might be tricky.  Too much belly? Nothing some cardio and crunches can’t fix.

Point is – at that very moment, I decided to make some permanent changes… as well as some attitude changes.

Screw this back and forth shit. If I am going to do something – I am going to do away with the excuses and JUST DO IT – and keep doing it. No matter how many different dwellings I find myself in over the course of my lifetime – my body is really the only one I’ll ever have, and if I am going to be living in it- I best be happy with it.

I found it disconcerting how many people forget about their bodies and spend tireless hours fixing their house or their car. Material things that really have no baring on whether or not you have life.

I adopted a pretty vigorous fitness schedule. Not quite drill-sergeant-ish, but enough to make some of my friends question what it would take for me to skip a fitness class.  I also never once called it a diet. Diet, to me, sounds like a chore.

The moment I decided to think differently about myself is when I started to notice change taking place. Over the course of a few months I dropped 3 sizes and soon enough found myself at a healthy size 8. That wasn’t a number I had seen in a few years.

The physical changes were nice, but it was what happened on the inside that got a make over. I had more energy, more determination, and pushing through the challenges and the discomfort allowed me to relay that to my personal life. Every work out started to feel better than the last and never felt like a chore –  I knew even though I was going to be able to fit that dress I wanted – I was changing what was on the inside.

Change begins in the mind, followed by action and commitment.

I would probably say yes to that second date… as long as it doesn’t interrupt with my Spin class.