May 27

Something New

If you’ve stumbled upon this blog before, you might be thinking… “hmm, this doesn’t look the same!”

Every chick needs to touch up now and then.

For the past five years, I’ve been known as ‘The Single Chick’. I’m pushing 30 years of age and have often been asked, “When are you going to meet someone and settle down?”

And for the past five years I touted my lack luster love life simply as ‘bad luck’ or even a ‘curse’, which was very true – as evidenced by some of my earlier posts on this site. My friends and coworkers had their own name for me… “Freak Magnet”. Most people didn’t believe the kinds of messages I would receive from my online dating pusuits, or experiences in general – some downright hilarious and others completely creepy. And the rest – indescribable, really.

A friend said, “You should really blog about them.”

I thought about it. I had a lot of comical experiences and it would be pretty funny… and since people often referred to me as a single chick… I figured I would write from that perspective.  But quite honestly, I was too lazy to do this ‘blogging’ thing.

Then, one night out of pure boredom – and being stood up on a blind date – I did.

I decided that if I was to be cursed in the ‘love’ department – I may as well make light of it and lace it heavy with sarcasm. Tongue in cheek, I began to document much of the outrageous-ness that comes along with the dating game.

And it was funny.

For a while.

After some 100 stories – it got old. (But still worth a laugh, so feel free to browse the archives!)

Anyway, even though I didn’t have to make any effort to attract some of the ‘unique’ characters I have – I also realized that despite my feelings of, “It’s not me, it’s them” – much of is was in fact ‘me’.

By focusing my energy on ‘them’ and my freaky magnetics – I was simply attracting more and more of the kinds of people I didn’t want to meet. And by focusing on my ‘perpetual’ single life – I was doing just that – becoming EVEN MORE perpetually single.

Perhaps Albert Einstein said it best:

“Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting results.”

With every experience, people evolve (most, anyway)… and if we are not continuously growing… then there’s a problem!

While I might have adopted “The Single Chick” name… it doesn’t mean I have to continue to write about my own ‘single life’, when there is so much more to share other than bad dates.

I am still a single chick however…because after all… there is only one of me.

This site is a collection of some of my previous (highly sarcastic) stories, current thoughts, lessons learned… and really, just my own personal growth.

 

April 27

Staying Together for the Children (and why I think it’s dumb)

“We’re staying together for the children.”

 

I’m sure I’ll ruffle a few feathers here, but I have a pretty strong opinion about this and lately I’ve been crossing paths with a lot of men and women in this very position.

I can understand the good intentions and I can also understand a parent’s desire to place their children’s needs ahead of their own, naturally. And all my respect to the parents who want to set a good example for their children and provide them a stable, loving home.

But is it?

I know a lot of unhappily married folks – as I am sure we all do. Married couples that are no longer in love, yet they go through the daily motions simply because that’s ‘the only choice’.

But it boggles my mind every time I hear it.

“For the children.”

Society tells us that we have to have two parents and live under the same roof to be considered a ‘family’. Most parents think if they actually care about their own happiness as well, their children will grow up to be scorned for life. Some children are also taught that if they don’t have a mommy and a daddy that live together – they aren’t normal.

I think it’s completely ridiculous.

Some parents are pretty darn good at disguising unhappiness. But kids aren’t stupid. They can detect tension. They can detect unhappiness. And even if the parents aren’t fighting, they know when something isn’t right.

I know, I was one of them.

What does staying together for the children really say?

It says it’s okay to be unhappy. It’s okay to not value yourself enough to find your true happiness. It’s okay to settle. It’s okay to live in perpetual misery.

One might argue that it teaches ‘commitment’ – but why does commitment have to be confined to four walls and a roof?

And given that we tell children, “you deserve to be happy”, isn’t that kind of hypocritical?

Should we not then, be leading by example?

In my opinion, what we should really be teaching our children is that a true family doesn’t depend on marital status.

A ‘family’ will be committed to each other and love each other just the same no matter how many roofs they live under.

Unconditional love.

THAT is family.

My parents (whom I love more than anything) separated when I was in my twenties. Growing up though, I knew that even though they did love each other – they weren’t ‘in love’. And I can say with honesty, I have never once felt any less loved because we weren’t contained under the same roof.

And yes, most parents ‘stick it out’ until the children are older, have the ability to understand, won’t be effected ‘as much’. Understandable, but as an adult now seeking to find my own happiness – I can’t help but feel my own sense of guilt. Perhaps had they not ‘stayed together for the children’, they would have had many more opportunities to find their true happiness a long time ago.

Looking back, had I been a child – I would have got through it. Personally, I don’t think a short time of discomfort should be set aside in exchange for years of unhappiness. Life is too short, but that’s just me.

Now, I don’t believe divorce should be an easy solution either, and obviously comes with it’s own negatives. But, in the long run… just as parents want their children to be happy – children want their parents to be happy.

Unhappy parents = unhappy children.

If we want our children to focus on their happiness as they grow older, we have to do the same. The happier you are – the more love you have to give. And what’s wrong with that?

If it’s handled with maturity and dignity – separating for the children can be the best thing ever.

April 19

Toilet Seats and Independence

There are many joys of being single. In the last five years of flying solo I’ve learned a great deal about myself, the art of self confidence, self reliance and self motivation.  Not only that, I have never really had anyone to answer to, I can take up the entire bed, shave my legs whenever I feel like it and I never have to remind anyone to put the toilet seat down.

While I would recommend to everyone to take time to get to know themselves, there are some definite draw backs to being single for a lengthy period of time – other than the very near reclamation of virginity.

Over-independence.

Not that I think being too independant is a bad thing – it’s the challenge of finding other like minded individuals that you’re both (A) attracted to, (B) have intellect and (C) put the toilet seat down.

It can get to be a real pain in the ass. No pun intended.

Don’t get me wrong, hanging out with yourself is awesome. But there are times when it would be nice to have someone to share a few things with. For example, I want to go skydiving for my 30th birthday and it would be pretty sweet to share that kind of experience. I wouldn’t mind having someone randomly to do shit with – like road trips, camp trips and other what-nots here and there. I also wouldn’t mind un-reclaiming my near-reclaimed virginity while gravity is still working with me and not against me.

Having said that – I don’t want to have someone there ALL THE TIME. Not only that, the free time that I do have at this stage in my life is pretty limited and whomever is going to take it up, has to be pretty awesome.

I prefer men that have their own things going on. Sadly, there are not that many men – at least that I’ve met – that understand an overly-independent person’s concept of space.

So, on behalf of all happily single people out there – WE ARE OVER INDEPENDENT AND LIKE OUR SPACE.

This certainly doesn’t speak for all men – but mainly for those I’ve been meeting recently. Normally, most I meet – at first glance, seem to understand independence, and even pride themselves on their own.

Then, before you know it… it’s:

“What are you doing today?”
“What are you doing tonight?”
“What are you doing now?”
“How about now?”
“What are you doing tomorrow?”
“Or how about now?”
“Now?”
“Do you miss me yet?”
“Make time for me, pleeeease.”

Now, this might be suitable for the relationship-y serial dating type of folks. But for those of us who suffer from over-independence, there is no bigger annoyance than someone who wants and needs your time ALL THE TIME.

The only time I want to be completely smothered by a man is un-reclaiming my nearly-reclaimed virginity.

March 26

He’ll Never Be My Everything

One of the reasons I seem to have trouble finding a ‘relationship’ or getting into one – hell, even finding a date for that matter – is because I don’t believe in the ‘conventional’ relationship.

The dynamics of the ‘relationship’ are changing – as some people are now more focused on their own personal goals and choosing to stay single later on into life – but the vast majority of people I meet still have a pretty narrow view on what it means to be ‘in a relationship’.

Man and woman meet. Man and woman fall in love. Man and woman spend thousands of dollars on a piece of paper that says, “I love you”. Man and woman buy house. Man and woman make babies. Man and woman do the same 9-5 thing for the next 40 some odd years. Man and woman move to new home  for more ‘mature’ people. Aforementioned children are now changing man and woman’s diapers.

(And if you’re not part of the 50% that make it this far, you’re probably part of the 50% that pay a few more thousand just to have that piece of paper destroyed so you can start all over again. Rest assured though, someone will still be changing your diapers.)

Blech.

I’d have a more fun taking up knitting and adopting 40 cats – and I don’t even like cats. However, if I put some serious effort into it – my knitting would keep me warm at night.

Okay, I am exaggerating (very mildly), and I know it can be – and is – much more fulfilling and exciting that that. But that scenario, defined by society, is the typical life process of two people (in a nutshell). I won’t argue that complacency is the right thing for some, nor do I have anything against those who do it.

But it’s not for me.

And I don’t really believe in that whole “this is my other half” crap. Last time I checked, I was a whole person.

In my opinion, my kind of relationship is when two wholes come together and forge a dynamic duo – full of love-filled super powers.

Personally, I have a laundry list of goals. I want to own my own business. I want to travel. I want to write a book. Then I want to travel some more. I’d like to pursue my interest in philanthropy. I want to go mountain climbing. Sky diving. Horse back riding in the desert. I want to see and do shit. Lots of it. Maybe there will be a kid or two in there somewhere – but there are parts of my life I want to live before giving life. And I’d like to share those experiences with someone.

I’m not saying that being in a relationship hinders any of those things. It’s finding the right kind of person that has the same kind of mind frame as me that’s been the biggest challenge. The kind of person that can appreciate the present moment and doesn’t put a time stamp on so-called milestones just because ‘society said we should’. Society has this standard that that’s what people my age do – get married, pop out babies, and become another cog in the wheel of the proverbial rat race to get out of debt and pay down the mortgage.

Once again, blech.

Most of the men I have met recently tell me they want to get married and have kids. They want their ‘other half’, they want to feel ‘complete’, and they want a woman that becomes their ‘everything’.

How romantic.

Not.

When someone becomes an ‘everything’, what does that mean? “You’re my everything”. Think about it. Doesn’t that sound a bit ridiculous? If ‘everything’ you have is the result of something or someone else – what did you have before?

So, I decided to google it – and naturally, I found thousands upon thousands images of hearts and what not to give to your ‘everything’.
I also decided to make my own version ->

Let’s say the unfortunate should happen (which most people don’t even want to think about), and you lose your ‘everything’… theoretically, you would then be left with – well, nothing. But you’re not though, because you still have YOU, and that should be ‘something’, right? For a lot of people, they haven’t discovered that ‘something’. And if you don’t have a clear idea of what that ‘something’ is – the relationship with yourself – be prepared to feel a whole lot of yup, you guessed it – nothing.

Most of the men I currently meet also get annoyed because I don’t have as much free time as they do. Some of them, don’t understand why and how I don’t have a favorite TV show, movie, or why I don’t have oodles of free time when I’m not at work. I’m usually working on one of my other projects (I have many), or doing something active, or doing something that involves learning.

“But I haven’t seen you for a WHOLE week! Why are you so busy all the time?!  Wahhhhhh!”

Sniff, sniff.

Not my kind of man, not my kind of life.

I wan’t a man in my life – but I also want a life in my man.

The kind of man I want isn’t around every waking moment of every day. He has goals of his own, and doesn’t need me around 24/7. When we are together, we have fun – and when we’re not, we know how to stand on our own two feet.

He doesn’t live life ‘for me’ – he lives it for him. We’re not each others reason for living – we’ve been living up until this point – so I’d say we already had one. We’re on each others journey for the ride – because some experiences are too good not to share, and we have a damn good time together. He doesn’t take care of me – but he cares for me. We’re there to help each other through the challenges, not as a way to escape them.

We don’t ‘need’ each other to live. We want each other to live.

He doesn’t mind if I go out with the girls – and he doesn’t fear being put in the ‘dog house’ when he decides on a night with the boys. (Seriously, it astounds me the number of men that live in fear of the dog house. If someone put me in the dog house for wanting to be me – I’d be looking for a new house.) Hell, if he wants to hit up a strip club, I’d probably toss in a few loonies myself.

We make compromises and sacrifices just like anyone else. We don’t solely depend on each other for happiness, we simply add to the happiness that we already had. Our relationship is an added bonus on top of the relationship we already have – with ourselves.

We’ll never be each others ‘everything’… but we’ll be each others ‘extra thing’.

Sounds like ‘everything’ I could ever want.

Now… I just have to find him.

But, I’m sure ‘everything’ will come together in due time.

Also, I couldn’t help but add this tacky photo – but it’s not bad to look at and it sums up the added benefit I’m after quite nicely:

March 7

The Journey to Commission

I think that I’ve been in love once.

I say that I ‘think’ I was – because in order to truly be in love with someone else, you have to also be in love with yourself.

I wasn’t.

Nonetheless, there were butterfly feelings and moments of giddiness, and there was even a spark in my eye. I remember the feelings of being in a crowd and no one else mattered. I remember how we made even the smallest things into the most exciting adventures. I was sure that I had wanted to spend the rest of my life with that person.

It didn’t end on the best terms, and for a long time afterwards I only associated that relationship with the heartache it brought… but now as I look back, I mainly remember the good times, and can’t help but smile and be thankful.

I’m also thankful that it’s over.

No doubt I did love the person, and a part of me always will. But, knowing what I know about myself now – I’m not sure if it was ME that was actually in love. I think I was in love with the feeling like this relationship finally made me feel ‘defined’.

Defined by someone else.

At that point of my life, I had no idea that definition comes from within. Within?! What the hell does that mean?!

I knew that he brought out a lot of good qualities in me – and he made me feel great about myself. But, I can’t say that I was myself around him – because at the time, I really didn’t know who ‘myself’ was. For the most part, I was ignorant to the lack of happiness that was on the inside. I was blinded by the notion that since someone else made me feel happy,  this MUST be ‘happiness’, therefore “I” must be happy too.

I wasn’t that young… in my mid twenties  – and although I did have more life experience than the average person my age, I was still floundering through life trying to come up with a ‘place’ for myself. There was a point with him that I believed that I had found that ‘place’ and I had stopped challenging myself. I now had someone to love me – what more did I need? He always would – and that’s all that matters, right?!

Wrong.

It took me well over a year to let it all go. Maybe even two. I remember listening to Selena Ryder’s song ‘Weak in the Knees’ on repeat for days – even months on end. (Have a listen – it’s a great song!) I remember hanging on to all the momentos, even trying to be around the same mutual friends we shared – in a plea of desperation to hang on to even a morsel of that ‘happiness’. More than once, I even toyed with the idea of trying to go for a second chance.

I was torturing myself. And quite honestly, I would have likely ended up right back where I started.

I’m not really sure at what point in time the whole ‘journey’ started – maybe it was on a dateless night reading one too many psychology books – but I do remember it hitting me like a ton of bricks.

I remember that ‘AHA’ moment. The day that I decided to let it go.

I actually remember singing in my car that day. I sing (awfully) in my car all the time – but something was different was about that time. It was full of energy, like all the thoughts I had were escaping through my mouth. And it WASN’T to Selena Ryder.

The day that I realized I was FREE.

I know that I bounced back and forth a few times and I had moments feeling like I really didn’t know if what I was feeling was right. In a way I felt guilty that I was letting it go – but I also realized that I was giving far too much attention to yesterday, and not the moment I was in.

My only way to move forward, was to… well, move forward.

I know that relationships are meant for two people to grow together. But I also think that it happens when growth comes from within, first. In our case, neither one of us experienced either.

What happens if who we are is based off the ideals of someone else?

How can we depend on others for happiness if we can’t first depend on ourselves?

If we don’t know who we are, who do we become when we are left with ourselves?

These are questions I spent the last few years answering. Undoubtedly, single life has been A LOT longer than I would have anticipated – or have really wanted. Life is short admittedly, there are times I wish I had someone to share things with. Someone to share my goals with, someone to take spontaneous road trips with, or someone just to sit in silence with. I definitely need someone to go skydiving with – because it is a goal… one that I’m much to chicken shit to do myself. But, at the same time – hanging out with myself has been quite the adventure in its own right.

My life is far from perfect – and I’m still learning a ton of lessons the hard way and I’m always getting to know myself. The only difference now – is that I know how to live WITH myself.

Now that I’ve got that covered – there’s a much better chance that I can live with someone else, too.

No longer am I looking for ‘definition’ – but rather ‘commission’… a little something extra on top of I already have.