April 18

… And Breathe.

brain

brainPrepare for brutal honestly.

I tend to write only positive and uplifting moments… moments that can inspire magic and hope into others – even if it is only my average readership of one person (thanks, Mom). But if I always did that, I would not be including the remaining fibers of my soul. I would only be showing one fragment of my being, and given that I wear my heart on my sleeve, I find it damn near impossible to hide the rest of me.

That’s not to say I don’t have anything uplifting to say, but today I’m just not in the mood. Maybe it’s the weather.

F#ck it. Today I write my feelings, as they are, in the present moment.

It’s my therapy.

Lately, the amount of days I have felt empty and alone and lost and anxious have outnumbered the days of feeling intrinsically happy and calm. It’s a piss off really, because I WAS there, and I have always been the purveyor of self fulfillment and wholeness – the importance of going on your own epic self journey – and yet here I am, trying to chew on my own words.

Maybe I’ve been looking at too many ‘throw back thursday’ photos and wondering how I went from hob-knobbing with the semi rich and famous, doing really cool shit (as defined by my ego), travelling, donning some low cut, sexified tank top – to sitting alone on a Friday night, in my Walmart-special hoodie donning a salsa stain on it, and on the brink of joining a nunnery. If I ever do end up on a hot date in this life time, I may need an instruction manual.

Anyway, that’s not the point. I get that my interests have shifted as I get older more mature. Actually, I don’t even know what my point is.  Blah.

After all the searching and inner workings – I find myself not knowing where the hell I am. But then again, where did I expect to go? I have no clue. I suppose I figured after going on sabbatical from being stuck inside some little box the majority of society views as ‘normal life’, I’d at least have somewhat of an idea as to what the heck I am doing or what path to take. Perhaps I even went as far as to think I might also have a morsel of romance after I learned to find it within my self, first.

I don’t.

None. Nada. Zero. Zilch. F#ck all.

It’s like every time I think I have found myself, I get lost again. And again. Or maybe I’m just beginning. Maybe I have not yet learned to love myself in the first place. I don’t know.

Untitled

I also have a problem. It’s called self sabotage. It gets me every time. I am an expert on self destruction. Very rarely can I hold on to a good though long enough to let it play out. Instead, I kill it with impatience and a lot of ‘this-is-never-going-to-work-i’m-a-failure-my-life-is-OVER’ kind of thing. I have a solid habit of thinking of the worst possible scenarios in just about, well… everything. Some – if not most – days, it puts me into a total head spin. 

I’m starting to feel bogged down by those thoughts.

But I feel like lately that’s all I know.

My brain needs a bath.

I want to wash myself clean, scrub my negative patterns away until I bleed. Find a way to stop fearing the unforeseen and inch closer to my dreams.

But I feel like I’ve done that – over and over and over again.  It’s not about the destination, it’s about the journey – I get that.

Good grief, I really need to stop saying the word ‘but’.

I guess I’m just frustrated, and I needed it to let it out.

Maybe I’m closer than I think.  

Exhale… here we go again..

yourself

 

 

 

May 27

Something New

If you’ve stumbled upon this blog before, you might be thinking… “hmm, this doesn’t look the same!”

Every chick needs to touch up now and then.

For the past five years, I’ve been known as ‘The Single Chick’. I’m pushing 30 years of age and have often been asked, “When are you going to meet someone and settle down?”

And for the past five years I touted my lack luster love life simply as ‘bad luck’ or even a ‘curse’, which was very true – as evidenced by some of my earlier posts on this site. My friends and coworkers had their own name for me… “Freak Magnet”. Most people didn’t believe the kinds of messages I would receive from my online dating pusuits, or experiences in general – some downright hilarious and others completely creepy. And the rest – indescribable, really.

A friend said, “You should really blog about them.”

I thought about it. I had a lot of comical experiences and it would be pretty funny… and since people often referred to me as a single chick… I figured I would write from that perspective.  But quite honestly, I was too lazy to do this ‘blogging’ thing.

Then, one night out of pure boredom – and being stood up on a blind date – I did.

I decided that if I was to be cursed in the ‘love’ department – I may as well make light of it and lace it heavy with sarcasm. Tongue in cheek, I began to document much of the outrageous-ness that comes along with the dating game.

And it was funny.

For a while.

After some 100 stories – it got old. (But still worth a laugh, so feel free to browse the archives!)

Anyway, even though I didn’t have to make any effort to attract some of the ‘unique’ characters I have – I also realized that despite my feelings of, “It’s not me, it’s them” – much of is was in fact ‘me’.

By focusing my energy on ‘them’ and my freaky magnetics – I was simply attracting more and more of the kinds of people I didn’t want to meet. And by focusing on my ‘perpetual’ single life – I was doing just that – becoming EVEN MORE perpetually single.

Perhaps Albert Einstein said it best:

“Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting results.”

With every experience, people evolve (most, anyway)… and if we are not continuously growing… then there’s a problem!

While I might have adopted “The Single Chick” name… it doesn’t mean I have to continue to write about my own ‘single life’, when there is so much more to share other than bad dates.

I am still a single chick however…because after all… there is only one of me.

This site is a collection of some of my previous (highly sarcastic) stories, current thoughts, lessons learned… and really, just my own personal growth.