May 31

Excuses, excuses

glasseswtf

I’ve been avoiding writing the same way I avoid questions like, “Do you have a boyfriend yet.” The difference is that one I’ve avoided by making plenty of excuses… the other… well, I don’t have an answer.

The last year or more since I’ve even bothered to write anything has been a juggling act and I’ve dropped the ball a few dozen hundred times.

I know I need to write and yet I avoid it. Why? Well, I will tell myself things like I have no time, work is in the way, I have nothing to say, and on and on.

The back and forth dialogue in my mind goes something like:

“I feel so inspired, this is going to be easy!”
“I can’t wait to get started!”

*Sits down to write*

“Nothing’s coming out…”
“Don’t be so hard on yourself, just get out of your own way!”
“This is stupid! Everything I try to write sounds like crap!”

*Texts friend to vent*

*Tries again*

glasseswtf“This sounds even worse! Nothing makes sense!”
“I don’t even know what my point is!”
“Who is going to care, anyway!”
“Blah!”
“I quit!”

“I can’t wait to get started!”

(And in case you’re wondering, yeah, I made that stellar graphic in Paint because it’s one of the few things that’s actually still working on my computer. Sweet, eh?)

I’ve been meaning to write a book for… oh I dunno, the last few years or more. It’s a vicious cycle. Creativity hits, words fill the page, PMS (a.k.a. nuclear emotional warfare) hits harder, self doubt blows up and before I know it I’m starting over. Again, and again. Approximately every 28 days. Not only that, the creativity process is an emotional one that stirs up a lot of energy (sometimes unwanted), PMS or not. They say writing is ‘therapeutic’, but I’m pretty sure that sometimes, after writing, I could use a good therapy session. Why? Because the process of creation is the thing that triggers the most emotion in me. Emotion = energy in motion.

Sometimes, I tell myself I have no business writing if I’m not in the right mind frame. It’s like I’m perpetually waiting for things to be just perfect. But, that would do little for authenticity.

I easily walk into the quicksand of negative self talk – in heels no less. I can barely walk in flats, never mind stilettos. I have a remarkable ability to focus on all the things that I don’t perceive as ‘right’ in my life and why they are preventing me from doing what I want. Which is nothing more than excuses, in other words complete bull shit.

However!

Yes, there is a however!

I put it this way… I think about living out my existence and what would haunt me forever if I didn’t do it. What would pick away at my soul eternally? That’s usually the thing you are meant to do. It’s not meant to be easy.

Hang on, I lost my train of thought again. Damn it. I’ve probably written about this very same thing before. Damn it, again.

Anyway, point is… you just have to keep going. What would have ever been created if no one ever got out of their own way and maximized their time? Get out of your head and just do it. Maybe it will be easy, maybe not. Probably not. Or, continually hang on to excuses, fear, and self doubt. What fun is that?! Where is it getting you?

That goes for me, too! I always need to eat my own words! It’s likely why I put them out there sometimes, to keep myself accountable.

My phone just beeped and someone just sent me this video… how synchronistic…

What are your excuses keeping you from?

If you’re tired of kicking your own ass and would like to keep me company on kicking mine, please join me HERE.

March 24

Deep Thoughts About Some Thoughts

right

I haven’t been blogging as much because I am working on my first book and I don’t want to give away toooo many of my stories here. Speaking of book writing, it is proving to be the most frustrating thing EVER.

I am quickly discovering the many stages of writing a book, which go a little like:

Write, edit, delete, writer’s block, ****ing curse, curse louder, tiny creative moment, omg write it down now!, delete, throw shit, wine, write like a mad man, more wine, headache, whine, edit, repeat.

Anyway… that’s not what this is about – but that’s more or less what I’ve been working on. I would love to share what guided me to that decision, because it is really quite miraculous – but I’m also saving that for my book.

What was I going to say again?

Don’t mind my A.D.D… holy shit there’s actually sunshine happening outside! Oh, right… anyway… I’ve noticed that I generally write when things are on the up and up. Positivity! Great! But, I’m human and I don’t always have sunshine blowing out my rear end. Sometimes, there are times when I feel like, how can I possibly share an inspirational story when that is the last thing I feel?

I find that I am pretty good at helping others get past some of their own negative self talk – and it is really quite astounding how many souls have come into my journey lately and have been opening their eyes to things about themselves that they hadn’t seen before. It’s quite rewarding, actually. But when my turn comes and I’m in the midst of one of my own pity parties (which are many), good luck getting me to leave. My own stubborness to flip my frown upside down despite how many things I have to be grateful for is sometimes my own worst enemy.

thoughts1It’s one of those things about myself that I continually work on. I don’t think the key is to boycott any feeling of sadness, but rather to honour every emotion (energy in motion) and to be mindful of where our thoughts take us, as they have a vital role in creating our environment.

The last couple years I’ve been incredibly unhappy with where I am at in my professional life. All  I have been able to think of is how stuck I feel, how I am not doing what I should be doing and how I am not living up to my true potential. There are some days I feel as though I am a waste (sounds morbid, but I have no other way of putting it) and I’m pretty sure I’ve shed tears daily for the last couple years consecutively. There is something about it that causes me a great deal of sadness. I’ve had a number of hopeful opportunities fall through the cracks, and I consistently think that sometimes I shouldn’t even bother because no one is going to give me a chance, anyway. Then again, I am the only one in charge of creating my own opportunities – and I am also in charge of sabotaging them with my thoughts – which I do, before they even happen.

I know for a fact, what I am doing is not something that is aligned with my soul or gives me any type of fulfillment.  Sure, I suppose this is likely true of 98% of the working population, but in my mind very few of us are able to move beyond these feelings because we are limited by our own negative thought patterns.

Some people might say, “suck it up, that’s life.” But I beg to differ. That is not life. That is what we are accustomed to thinking. Out of an infinite universe containing billions upon billions of other universes, I certainly did not come to this tiny rock of all places for no reason at all. I have shit to do and my soul knows when I am not doing what I am here to do. In the same breath, that is not entirely correct because I know I am always exactly where I need to be in any given moment… but ‘exactly where I need to be’  isn’t always a place I particularly like. And in another breath, there is always a lesson to be learnt in the place we are.

Long story short, I’ve been spending a good chunk of the last while solely focusing on how I feel stuck and nothing else.

What I get in return? MORE AND MORE of the same. And more! I am creating my very own reality.

The same thing goes with finances. I’ve gotten by for the majority of my life, but the perpetual thought in my mind is always one of:

“I can’t afford it. I can’t do this, I can’t do that. Every time I get a little bit ahead, something happens. I can’t. I don’t have enough. I can’t, I can’t I can’t. Somebody call the wahhhhmublance because I can’t stop crying about everything I can’t do!”

… and the list goes on. My thoughts consistently operate from a place of lack, rather than gratitude for what I do have.

As a result? Even more of the same. In fact, just the other week, I was thinking about how there is something coming up for me that I can’t afford – and guess what? My car broke down.

Energy goes where attention flows.
Energy goes where attention flows.
ENERGY GOES WHERE ATTENTION FLOWS.

This is not some generic statement that we hear over and over again – it is truth.
rightThe things is, I KNOW that this is happening… I am acutely aware of it, but yet I continually get in the way of my own self. I can very easily look at some of my other thoughts and intentions of things I have wanted to manifest into my life that and how they have unfolded almost perfectly. Effortlessly. Some of them are absolutely mind blowing and still leave me and those in my life rather speechless. Things that the vast majority of people would tell me, “Get real, that chances of that happening are impossible.”  I would love to share them, but I am also saving that for my book.

I also have a friend that I have known for a few years. For as long as I’ve known her, she has always talked about how she is secretly a millionaire. Quite honestly, all she does is talk about how much money she has. She is forever speaking about how she can do just about anything because she has the finances to do it. She doesn’t do anything differently than me, but every time I see her – she seems to have even more. On the other hand, she consistently talks about how alone she is and how the potential romantic partners she meets are always of the same breed – abusive and controlling. She talks about how she will never meet anyone that compliments her and how she is destined to be alone and miserable forever.

For the past couple years I have known her, I have heard her thoughts – which are always the same. It is quite astounding to watch as what she thinks about, is created.

Changing  your thought pattern isn’t the easiest thing to do. I struggle with my own every minute of every day. Almost every time I run into a challenge or something that hasn’t worked out (which is often because there is something better coming that we can’t yet see), I immediately fall into the trappings of my negative thought patterns. Almost always, I throw a tantrum and right away I say, “that’s it! I’m done! I’m done hoping for things to work out because they never do! Why bother if it always leads to disappointment?! WHYYYY!!”

When I think that way, I begin to believe it. When I believe it, I put energy into it and ultimately I continue to create more of the same. And that, right there – is one of my biggest personal challenges.

Having said that, I’m thinking I’m about to change all of that.

I originally had other intentions for this post – there was something entirely different I was going to rant about. Perhaps, I will save that for my book as well.

Where do your thoughts take you? What are YOU creating for yourself?